In Joy and In Sorrow

Well I wasn't going to blog about this for the mere fact that not many people aside from family knew about it. I didn't post it on facebook and still don't plan to, but on here, I don't care. I've come to the realization that things in life happen and sometimes you have no control over them.

The truth is I suffered a miscarriage last Thursday. It wasn't the first but the second since we welcomed Lincoln in 2007. I lost a baby in July 2008 and now again August 2010. I've been so down about it that I just need to get my feelings off my chest, so this is serving as my mode of doing so.

This last pregnancy was so 'normal'. It was a lot like my pregnancy with Lincoln. My biggest 'complaints' were light nauseousness and heartburn, just like with Lincoln. The only thing that seperated the two pregnancies were I was peeing all the time and was way tired. But other than that, no causes for concern. Then on Thursday I started bleeding a little. Deep down, I knew what was probably happening. I just hoped I was one of those people who have bleeding with a normal pregnancy. Nope, the ER confirmed I miscarried.

The second pregnancy was awful. I had a lot of problems with that, which would take me a long time to explain. But in the end after a week of labs and vaginal ultrasounds it was determined I had a non-viable pregnancy and had to have a D&C. So needless to say, I've been 'gun shy' about getting pregnant since then. But I finally did and everything was fine, until it wasn't.

So now, twice since Lincoln I've heard "I'm sorry, you've miscarried." Both pregnancies I lost I was almost 6 weeks. Another thing people may not know, and I'm not at all ashamed to say or admit, is I have to take the fertility medication Clomid to get pregnant. Clomid helps women like me who don't ovulate regularly to do so the month/s you take it. It has worked wonderfully with me. I got pregnant with Lincoln on the first cycle, pregnant with the second on the second cycle, and with the third on the first cycle (like with Lincoln). So it definitely works in helping me get pregnant, but why am I now losing babies?

I don't know what is going on inside my body, but I hope to find out something with my OB tommorow at my 'miscarriage follow-up' appointment. I have to say I'm scared. Scared this is the beginning of a battle. I am always grateful for my Lincoln. But now I wonder, ok, was it a fluke that everything worked out with his pregnancy? To lose 2 babies around the same gestation after him is just weird to me. I know I'm very lucky to have Lincoln, but was I physically at that time 'lucky to have Lincoln'??? I don't know, maybe. I know things 'happen for a reason' and such. I also believe with miscarriages that something probably wasn't right, but nonetheless, it is still heartwrenching.

I am so grateful for my beautiful healthly little boy. I just hope I can someday give him a sibling. I know it's in God's hands what will happen and that I have to let go of trying to control what happens with it, it's just hard. Like I said, we'll see what the OB has to say tomorrow and find out where to go from here.